PanicHouse
by TormentedPopsicle
Summary: FF characters meet up to face their DOOM. OOOO!! SPOOKY! R&R. This is my first story...not meant to be praised upon.


Panic...House- By TormentedPopsicle  
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Disclaimer: Alright, one-liners. All Final Fantasy characters belong to Squaresoft blah blah blah don't sue.  
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The scene opens up  
T.P (me): Aaaand...ACTION!  
~Cloud, Selphie, and Irvine are in a small room~  
Cloud: Where the hell are we? How did we get here?  
Selphie: Trains are cool! And sexy...OHMIGAWD! A BIRD!!  
~Selphie runs away~  
Irvine: ...  
Cloud: ...  
Irvine: Well...anyway. We need to find her. There's a killer loose or something.  
Cloud: Is there?   
Irvine: Yeah...~sips coffee~  
Cloud: Where did you get that?  
Irvine: SHIT! A DISTRACTION! ~points in random direction~  
Cloud: NO WAY! WHERE?! ~looks up, as Irvine runs away~  
Cloud: A purple giraffe?  
P.G: OMG, N00B.  
~ In The Library~  
~Selphie and Tifa are reading~  
Tifa: Are her boobs bigger than mine?! No...NO THEY CAN'T BE!  
Selphie: Ooo...Trains. OHMIGAWD! THE TRAIN IS LOOKING AT ME!! ARRRGHHHH!!  
~She runs out~  
Cloud: Well, Tifa...only one way to tell...~toothy grin~  
Tifa: Oo...Cloud...  
Cloud: Yeah...Let's mail her and ask for her bra size.  
Tifa: Oh.  
~Zidane wanders in~  
Zidane: How did I get here? ~Looks at the joint in hand~ Oh...  
Cloud: OHMIGOD. YOU HAVE A TAIL!!  
~Tifa and Zidane stare~  
Tifa: Look...we gotta explore. And where's Irvine and Selphie?   
Cloud: Dunno. I left Irvine back in the main room.  
?: OH MY GOD!!! EEUUURRGH!! IT HURTS!! OH GOD!! I CAN'T STAND THIS PAIN!!! NOOOOO!! Ugh...  
Tifa: OH NO!   
Cloud: We gotta help Irvine!  
Tifa: No, I broke a nail.  
Cloud: Really?  
Tifa: No, my water broke.  
Cloud: McDonald's will do that.  
Tifa: ...  
Cloud: Let's go.  
~They run down the stairs to see Irvine getting his ears cleaned out by Zell~  
Zell: Don't be a pussy.  
~Suddenly Red Mage (FF1), Squall, Yuffie, Vincent, Cid (FFVII), and Cait sith pop through the window.~  
RMage: That's a +3 in hurtfullness.  
Cid: Shut the fuck up.  
Tifa: (ignoring them all) I thought you said you left Irvine here.  
Cloud: ...Oh right. He ran off.  
Tifa: But he's right there.  
Cloud: ...  
CS: Laaadies and Gentlemen. I know how to get us out of here. There's a-  
Cid: ~impales him with spear~ SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
CS: I only got one line. THIS SUCKS.  
T.P (me): ~Flips him off~  
CS: Ugh...~dies~  
Vincent: The logical explanation is to find people who may live here.  
Yuffie: ~Stares at Selphie who came wandering in~  
Selphie: FUCK! ~shoots Yuffie~  
T.P: CUT! God...  
Selphie: What?  
T.P: Dumbass...you weren't supposed to shoot her!  
Selphie: ...  
T.P: ...  
Selphie: Trains rule.  
T.P: ...And we're rolling.  
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Soon enough, they were joined by Tidus, Seymore, and Kuja.  
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Kuja: Damn my balls are just sma-...large enough to fit in here.  
Squall: Shut up about your testicles. Listen, Vincent was right. We still need to find people in here. Tidus, you need to-.  
Tidus: ...  
Squall: ...Tidus?  
Tidus: ...  
Squall: ~pushes over a cardboard stand in~ DAMMIT.  
Cloud: Zidane, you take the two doors on the left.  
Zidane: Roger that.  
Cloud: Vincent, come with me.  
Vincent: Our souls shall become one.  
Cloud: stfu n00b. Anyway, Everyone else explore and split up into teams on the back side of the buildings where all the other  
rooms are located.  
Everyone: RIGHT!  
Zidane: Wait..I don't have a partner.  
Cloud: Whoops, look at the time, gotta go.  
Zidane: You don't have a watch.  
Cloud: ...  
Zidane: ...  
Cloud: I...do...so...~runs off with Vincent~  
Zidane: Dammit.  
ZIDANE'S PART  
Zidane: A green house? Cool! Kinda creepy though.  
~He wanders down some of the rows, examining it, looking for everything. When suddenly, CAIT SITH POPS UP, BLOODIED CHEST!!!~  
CS: AHHHH!! ZIDANE!! HELP ME!!! I'M...There's! THERE'S!  
Zidane: Woah, calm down there, man. Just explain to me slowly.  
CS: I...I-  
~He was cut off by a swords being shoved through his head. He falls to the ground dead.~  
?:~A dark figure removes the long blade~  
Zidane: Oh...shit...~Darts off out of the green house.~  
VINCENT AND CLOUD'S PART  
Vincent: Interesting...this living room, and all of it's contents are all made of Mythril...amazing.  
Cloud: Yeah, I liked the part with the kangaroo.  
Vincent: ...  
Cloud: Whoops, I mean, I agree.  
Vincent: Al...right. Okay, let's search more and OHMIGOD!!! AGHHHHH!! ~He runs out of the room~  
Cloud: Pussy...it's only a STATUE of him...and...Oh wait. ~Looks up and runs out of the room~ SHIIIIT!!  
EVERYONE ELSE'S PART  
Cid: Damn...we ain''t found shit.  
?: Slides down the banister.  
Cel-Shaded Link: Except for me. ~grins~  
Cid: Woah...we're gunna get sued.  
Link: Don't worry. Heyy...cool. So how did we all get here?  
RMage: Well that's a +2 in DUHness. Hehe...that was clever.  
Squall: Shut the fuck up.  
Aeris: Stop it you two...I- ~Is suddenly impaled by a sword~ Fuck, this is getting old. ~She dies~  
Tifa: NOOOO!!  
Cid: Holy hell!!  
~A blade seems to dart around the room with a dark figure, killing many unknown people...only 4 survive.~  
~Link, Cid, RMage, and Tifa run out~  
RMage: THAT'S A +100 IN GET THE FUCK OUT!! Hehe...that was clever...  
END OF PARTS  
~Everyone meets up in main room~  
Vincent: Dammit! What the hell is going on?  
~Selphie wanders in with Irvine~  
Irvine: She won't shut up...  
Selphie: Irvine's penis goes up when I touch it!  
Everyone else: ...  
Irvine: Sh-She's joking! She's stupid...she...she...I...Uh...Oh fuck it. ~Takes out shotgun and blows his brains out~  
Selphie: EEEEK!! TRAINS WOULD'VE HELPED THE SITUATION!!  
Cid: Not again..  
Zidane: Actually...if a train came by and-  
Cid: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
Zidane: You know what?! NO. I WON'T SHUT UP. I'M SICK OF YOUR ABUSE!!  
Cid: Hey, little man. Go play hide-and go SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
Zidane: ~Bursts out crying~  
Cid: Queef.  
Tifa: We have to know who has been killing everyone.  
Vincent: You're joking, right?  
Tifa: Huh?  
Cloud: No seriously...you must be joking. Even the reader knows!  
Zidane: HAHA! She didn't even know!   
RMage: That's a +5 in god you are stupid-ness!  
Link: Who is it? I don't know.  
Cloud: ...Well no shit. You're from Nintendo.  
Link: True...  
Cloud: Tifa...heh...it's Sephiroth.  
A voice: Ohh..~is horribly disguised~ OH I DON'T THINK IT'S HIM...HE'S TOO SNEAKY.  
Cid: ...Er...  
Sephiroth: ~Bursts from a window unsheathing his blade.~  
Tidus: ~Comes out of the shadows.~ Oh...it is him.  
RMage: But I thought you were...  
Tidus: Dead?! HA! Only the losers die!  
Vincent: But...Squall died. And I mean...Squall. SQUALL. He's cooler than you.  
Tidus: Shut up...SHUT UP.   
Sephiroth: Oh...if only I could hear you. But I'm living in the future, all I hear is the tortured screaming of you all rotting  
in the bowels of the earth.  
Zidane: PPPHHHHHTT!...HE SAID BOWELS!  
Sephiroth: ~Glances to Zidane, and points his blade at him~ Will you be the first to die?  
Tidus: I'll save us...I WILL! ~Jumps into the air~ DIE, YOU FIEND!! ~Lands on a spider~ There...I have saved us all-HOLY SHIT  
IT'S SEPHIROTH!!  
Link: Does anybody else hate Tidus? I'm starting a "I HATE TIDUS" fan-club.  
RMage: I'll join.  
Link: ...  
RMage: Seriously.  
Link: Nevermind...  
Zidane: Listen...we are heroes....ALL US GUYS WILL DEFEAT YOU!  
Tifa: What about me?  
Zidane: Well...uhh...you...  
Selphie: And me!  
Tidus: That's a girl?  
Selphie: I CALL UPON THE POWER OF THE TRAINS! LET ME KILL HIM! RAAARRR!! ~Jumps at Sephiroth~  
Sephiroth: ~Grabs her neck and rips out her trachea, and shoves it through her head. He drops her to the ground way below~  
Cid: Holy shit...  
Zidane: I think I just shit myself.  
RMage: That's a +3 in that's gotta hurt!  
Cloud: Damn...  
Tifa: This is horrible! I'LL STOP HIM! METAL SHOT FIST! ~She runs, jumps and speeds throught the air at Sephiroth~  
Sephiroth: It is so hard sometimes for me to do these things...~ He turns around appearing behind her~  
Tifa: Shit!  
Sephiroth: Bye bye. ~Shoves his hand into her back, ripping out her spinal cord and quickly breaking her neck with it.~  
Cloud: ....!!!!!.....  
Zidane: We're fucked.  
Vincent: What about me? It's been a while.  
Vincent: ~Takes out his shotgun and fires twice into Sephiroth's head~  
Sephiroth: ~Grins and takes the gun from Vincent, and knocking him out with it, straight across the head~  
Vincent: Ugh...~Falls on the ground, out cold~  
Cid: It's getting to be hopeless...damn...if only there was a way...  
Cloud: ~Looks at the purple giraffe~ PERFECT!  
P.G: Fine...I'll help! DIE! ~gallops in the air at Sephiroth. He then kicks Seph's shins lightly~ DIE!...Er...uh...DIE! YEAH!  
Link: ..I can't watch..  
Tidus: Hmm...BLITZBALL THROW! ~He throws a beachball at Sephiroth. He turns around and shoots a ray out of his finger. Tidus'  
head explodes into many pieces~  
Link: I'm starting to like this guy!  
Sephiroth: ~Takes the giraffe, ties it's neck in a knot, makes a blood bubble, and stabs it, blood going everywhere.~  
Cloud: Nuts...  
Link: Enough of this. We have been knocked down, one by one. I will not stand for this! All of us turned down in a way  
that we thought we were gunna win! AGH! ENOUGH OF THESE TWISTS!  
Sephiroth: Link...I am your father.  
Link: AND I HATE THAT LINE!! ~ He throws out his grappling hook, it wraps around Seph's arm. Link yanks him towards him and  
kicks him hard in the face. He lets go of him.~  
Sephiroth: ~Nursing his nose~ AGH!! GOD DAMMIT!! YOU LITTLE PUNK!! ~He flies extremely fast at Link~  
Link: ~Grins. (insert Matrix and Propeller Heads' song) he jumps to the side while throwing the grappling hook in front. It  
latches then into Sephiroth's face. Link pulls him by the grappling hook lodged in his face and throws him to the ground,  
blood spurting everywhere.~  
Cid: ~Cigarette falls out of his mouth~  
Link: And people call Zelda a kid's game. Fuck yeah!  
Cloud: Ho-lee shit!  
RMage: That's a +3 in...in...in...fuck it, I need a smoke.  
Cid: I hear ya.  
Vincent: ~Wakes up~ What did I miss?  
Cloud: Link killed Sephiroth.  
Vincent: Narley.  
RMage: Let's get the fuck outta here.  
Link: I hear that!  
~The 5 run down the steps and cross Sephiroth's body. They find the key and the door. They all sigh happily. The key breaks  
inside the lock suddenly.~  
Sephiroth: ~Slowly stands up~ You will all be destr-  
~Zidane falls from the ceiling and lands on Sephiroth, breaking his neck~  
Zidane: Shit, I'm lost. What happened?   
Cloud: We're locked in!!  
Zidane: Happy days...  
Cid: GOD DAMMIT! Now what?  
RMage: Have you even tried opening it?  
Cid: ...  
Cloud: ...  
Vincent: ...  
Link: ...  
Zidane: Yeah. I did. It's locked.  
~Everyone groans in unision~  
T.P: Alright that's a wrap.  
Cloud: Where's my porn? SERIOUSLY. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.  
RMage: I'm sick of acting like a dumbass. I need a large double double. Stat!  
Vincent: Interesting..I'd thought there'd be more to it.  
Zidane: Oh, there's a sequel.  
Link: ZIDANE, YOU DUMBASS!! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE! You're a fucking dumbass.  
Zidane: Shut up...Cell-Shaded....guy! YEAH!  
Link: Ohh..it hurts.  
Cid: C'mon you two. Stop fighting. Hey, does anyone want the cookies I baked? They are just so splendid!  
Link: Thanks, Cid.  
Cid: Oh you're welcome! And Red Mage, keep those jokes coming. You are just to DIE for! Hahaha!  
RMage: Thanks, Cid. That's a +4 in happiness!  
Cid: ~insert uncontrollable laughter~  
Sephiroth: ~Running in~ Oh, man. That last scene hurt.  
JENOVA: ~Running in after him~ OH SEPHY! Don't you scuff those brand new runners you're wearing!  
Lucrecia: But I thought-..  
JENOVA: You don't know snatch, bitch.  
Lucrecia: Oh...kay...  
Vincent: Let's all party.  
T.P: Alright...for now. We have to get ready for the sequal. GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE! LET INSANITY ROAM YOUR DREAMS!  
Link: And these cinnamin buns. These fuckin' rock.  
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Disclaimer: Review, please. And pre-order Zelda: The Wind Waker! You only have until the 16th! Pre-order now and get 2  
free bonus discs. Zelda: OoT (from the 64 on the 'Cube) and OoT: Master Quest which has new items and parts to dungeons.  
I sound like a fucking sales poster. Oh well. G'night or G'day...I need a drink. 


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